My Saturday Night Date with the TV

Tonight on (my) channel 62, otherwise known as the Sci-Fi Channel, there premieres a movie titled Supergator. Unlike other Sci-Fi originals, this one does not star Coolio or Sonic Youth’s first drummer, Richard Edson. It does feature Kelly McGillis in a lateral move from Top Gun, and the reliable Scientist In A Wheelchair role, covered by John Colton (I think).

Fifteen minutes in and no gore. I can’t imagine the bikini clad victims-to-be/extras as anything more than porn stars in a parallel life. Whup….a fashion photographer and a buxom model were just eaten. The CGI is so obtrusive that the blood looked like a hovering, red cloud, and the scene was a total rip of Samuel Jackson’s last moment in Deep Blue Sea (a genuine, roll-in-the-floor laff riot….the scene, not the entire film).

Let’s do a little dissecting (horrible non-pun intended). Writer/director Brian Clyde (oh, and there are three writers credited here) hasn’t, eh, done too much, but star Brad Johnson is no stranger to F-list straight-to-DVD and made-for-TV fare. You’ll be able to catch him in a future Sci-Fi original called Copperhead (it incorporates a “wild west” theme!!). Supergator is a buffet of poor-man’s actors/actresses. The poor-man’s Swayze. The poor man’s Halle Berry. The poor man’s William Peterson. The poor-man’s Treat Williams (and that’s rough).

The salty, aging scientist/zoologist/hunter (not to be confused with the paraplegic scientist) pockets a pint of bourbon at all times. I haven’t done the proper amount of research to determine which actor plays this part. Whup….another bimbo met her demise through jump cuts of bloody body parts and screams. As we’re 50 minutes in, three separate parties are traipsing through the jungles of Hawaii: The scientists, the environmentalists, and three party dudes (fat wacky guy….check!!). Barely-clothed tarts are distributed throughout all three groups. One has been running through the woods for 30 minutes. Frances Doel, a co-writer, was the script girl for Cockfighter (the ‘74 adaptation of Willeford’s novel), and her subsequent writing credits make for a what’s what of disaster/nature-strikes-back….’78’s Avalanche all the way to ’04’s Dinocroc.

Wow! This just in: Roger Corman produced it! Ok, maybe that’s a “wow.”

Shall we have a one-hour mark (btw…one of the gorier scenes just happened) wager re: how Supergator will be stopped?

1. Explosives

2. Pushed into live volcano (it must be noted that a live volcano “spawned” the Supergator)

3. Shot with something…like an anti-aircraft rocket

4. Chopped up or dismembered

5. It escapes

Yes, this is what I’m doing when there are far more important projects to work on. Television, I love you.  

 

 

 

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