How Success Happens

David Geffen: Start yelling.

Don Simpson: Hang around Jerry Bruckheimer.

Bill Drummond: Be the only true genius. Anywhere. With anything.

Ice Cube: Come home from tour, do your mom’s dishes, take a break to call your lawyer.

Lorne Michaels: Feign quiting (x 1,000).

Bobby Gillespie: Do so many drugs that they have a reverse impact on the aging process.

James Woods: Don’t turn down The Boost.

Wendy and Lisa: Go solo.

Bab Zany: Sell your window unit air-conditioner and bed spread on eBay.

Wonder Showzen: DO THE UNTHINKABLE!!! SUBVERT THE CHILDREN’S SHOW FORMAT!!!!

Big Daddy Kane: Make T-Shirts with the catchphrase “Come Over Here And Sit On My Big Daddy Kane!!”

The Meerkat Population: Star in a reality TV show.

Unknown: Come up with the concept for The Puppy Bowl.

Robert DeNiro: Pull the George Clooney, but star in 14 bad movies per year so that you can make one better-than-average one.

Miranda July: Get writing work from Harper’s on the strength of an obscenely uninspired indie movie.

Any comedian between the ages of 20 and 40: Discover indie rock.

Me: Compose underwhelming lists at two in the morning.

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