Lost Humor Writing, Vol. 1, No. 1

Reprinted (transcribed) from the second (and last, I’m assuming) issue of Nothing Doing, 1995.

Publication was helmed by Brandan Kearney, though the following piece was written by Gregg Turkington. This team of big-brains is also responsible for Warm Voices Rearranged: Anagram Record Reviews, a book that is much smarter than any of us.

Again, for those of you that don’t pay attention: I did not write this.

The Independent Person’s Guide To Living For Free: How To Live Independent And Hassle-Free, Without Hurting Anyone (Except Those Who Deserve It) For FREE!!!!!

(by Gregg Turkington)

Introduction

Amerikkkan society is set up so that humans can be chewed up and spit out on the conveyor belt of big business as efficiently as possible. Any person who makes an attempt at living outside of the system is met with disdain and immediately given a denigrating label, such as “lazy bum,” “drug addict,” or “burglar.”

What we are trying to do here is present a framework for absolutely, 100% FREE living. Freedom in this country has historically been little more than a hollow slogan. This article changes the rules and raises the stakes. If Amerikka is a prison, then here is your key.

FREEDOM NOW!

June 6, 1995
San Diego County Jail
San Diego, California

FREE MONEY

Money makes the world go around, they say. Well, I don’t buy it. As you’ll see, you can get everything, from food to clothes to a place to crash, WITHOUT MONEY! FREE! Fuck money and those who are obsessed with it.

Here are some of the best ways I’ve encountered to get FREE money!

The Vending Machine Trick: Look underneath them for spare change that might have fallen underneath. First, you will need to make a map of all the vending machines in your city and plot out a daily route to collect. In most big cities there are probably 10,000 vending machines, ripe for the picking. If you are willing to go fast and efficiently, you can probably hit 1,000 a day (in only 8 – 10 hours). If you find a nickel underneath each machine (not impossible) that equals $50.00 a day! FREE! Not bad! And there’s no boss breathing down your neck to get a haircut or stop pilfering toilet paper either!!! Best of all, the income is entirely tax free. So take that, Uncle Sam!

The Welfare Scam: Pretend to be crazy and poor. The red-tape loving bastards don’t make it easy to get this FREE money, but since most of those who really need it are too uneducated and drunk to be able to make sense of Uncle Sam’s bureaucracy, us freaks can use our patience for their endless game playing and form-filling-out to make ourselves wards of the state and let that beautiful silver shine in our pockets on a regular basis.

The Parent Scam:
Call your parents and ask for money. This usually works, and can be great supplemental income for the techniques described above.

FREE POSTAGE:

Even the normals would agree with the statement that the current postal system is corrupt and in desperate need of upheaval. For example, the US Postal System charges 50 cents to deliver a letter to any address in any country on Earth by airmail, usually taking about a week. Think about how many letters are mailed a day, and multiply it by 50 cents. You can quickly see the unreasonableness of their profits and the futility of taking part in an exploitative system such as this. Recently a stamp was issued honoring scoundrel Richard Nixon — is this the kind of system you want to support? Think you’ll ever see Spike Lee or Bob Avakian on a stamp?

But there are ways to beat the postage trap. With just a minimum of effort, a stolen postage meter can be reprogrammed to give out an infinite amount of postage–FREE! And that’s just the beginning. A simple tire iron can be used to pry downtown office doors open, where rolls of stamps can often be found in corporate secretaries’ desk drawers. These can then be taken to copy shops where they can be color-copied, and with an exacto knife the edges can be cut to look serrated. A little of glue, and voila! FREE postage.

Another interesting technique is to set up an alternate postal system.. Ask your friends for their daily itineraries–where they eat, drink, work, smoke, and screw–and then load them down each morning with your letters and packages intended for addresses located somewhat along their route. Most people don’t mind going a few blocks out of the way to help take a stand against the system.

When you are visiting your parents to load up on FREE food at Thanksgiving and Christmas, don’t forget to ask your mom for a couple of stamps. You’ll usually get them, FREE!

THE AUTOMOBILE TRAP:

Automobiles and everything connected with them are evil. The smog that pollutes our ozone layer, the oil companies that support evil U$ interests abroad and put irritating advertisements in the middle of otherwise FREE television programs, the vultures that charge you money to repair your car–you can see why this sort of system has got to be destroyed like the virus that it is. Still, occasionally you will need use of an automobile to get to concerts, FREE food kitchens, vending machines, or to haul easily salvageable broken televisions found in trash cans back to headquarters. What’s the solution? There is a way to enjoy the convenience of automobiles without getting your hands bloodied with corruption and expense: call your friends who have cars and guilt-trip/bully them into driving your stuff around. Most likely they won’t mind the liss of their time and the minor gas expense, and you’ll get what you want FREE, without spending a cent or personally contributing to the evil system of using automobiles for transport.

MORE FREE MONEY TECHNIQUES:

**You can use a Uruguayan 10 centismo piece as a U.S. quarter in many candy and cigarette machines. These coins can be obtained cheaply (or if you’re lucky, FREE!) in Uruguay and can really cut your expenses down drastically for candy and cigarettes. Similarly, the Icelandic 5 auran piece (pre-1972) has been known to work in parking meters and some bathroom condom/novelty vending machines. Stock up next time you are in Iceland!
**Steal luggage at the airport carousel. This is easy to do if you show up early. Sell the FREE clothing at local used clothing shops and the FREE electric razors at pawnshops. You will be amazed at how much FREE money this can bring in, and most likely anyone who buys into expensive luxuries like air travel can easily afford to replace the lost items. And, as Marx wrote, “To each according to his need, from each according to his ability.”
**If you mow a lawn for the crazy old lady down the street, or get a paper route, you’ll receive money for your services…FREE!
**Pickpocket and/or rob at gunpoint those who look deserving. Liberate their money for the cause of freedom. They probably stole it from you to begin with, by overcharging for the food you eat, the air you breathe, the electricity that powers your TV, excessive cable TV fees, etc.
**Call grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc the week before your birthday (secretly use a friend’s phone to avoid paying long distance charges to evil entities like bomb-makers ITT) and casually remind them of your upcoming birthday. Within days, you’ll receive a check (along with insincere and laughable “birthday greetings”). These conservative-thinking, Big Business-supporting scum deserve to be milked for every cent they’re worth, and the “birthday scam” is one of the best ways we’ve encountered.

OTHER FREE ITEMS:

**TV listings: Most newspapers list the day’s TV programs in the entertainment section. Use a crowbar or a tire iron to jimmy open newspaper stands, or liberate newspapers off of rich people’s doorsteps, and you’re set. Fuck the TV Guide that charges 99 cents for information that you’re entitled to for FREE!
**FREE gasoline. Park in a service station directly over their filler hole. Lift off the lid (you may need special tools for this steal them!) and run down 35 feet of rubber tubing through a large hole you’ll need to cut in the floor of your car ahead of time, then turn on the electric pump which you have installed to feed into your gas tank. All the bastards will ever notice is a parked car full of smiling freaks.
**FREE food! Rotten, spoiled, moldy, and stale food is waiting for you in dirty dumpsters behind grocery stores. (Wear thick gloves to avoid getting bitten and infected by rates when digging around in the trash.) Another good source of FREE food is buffet restaurants. Line your jacket and underpants with Hefty bags and fill up on food. (Fried chicken works best–you should be easily able to pack 100 pieces of chicken into the bags.)
**FREE land. They say that this country is owned by the people–well put that statement to the test and take over an acre of a national park for your own. Riot in the woods, spook tourists, urinate and defecate publicly, and burn cars, all part of the fight for your right to live FREE on your new land.
**FREE subway rides. Steal oversized fatso’s pants and shirts from the Salvation Army or local charity thrift store. Find yourself a cool free-thinking chick (the smaller the better) and make her take off all of her clothes. The two of you can then stuff yourselves into the oversized garments (only one head and set of arms and legs should be visible) and waltz right through the turnstiles on one person’s token. If there is any question as to the authenticity of your lard, feign a heart attack with lots of drooling. That will usually send everyone running, and you and your partner in crime can slip out of the clothing and take off.
**FREE books. Most public libraries won’t have any objection to you hanging out and reading their books, and with a library card, it is possible to borrow the books for two weeks–FREE!

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