Tonight on (my) channel 62, otherwise known as the Sci-Fi Channel, there premieres a movie titled Supergator. Unlike other Sci-Fi originals, this one does not star Coolio or Sonic Youthâ€™s firstÂ drummer, Richard Edson. It doesÂ feature Kelly McGillis in a lateral move from Top Gun, and the reliable Scientist In A Wheelchair role,Â covered by John Colton (I think).
Fifteen minutes in andÂ no gore. I canâ€™t imagine the bikini clad victims-to-be/extras as anythingÂ more than porn stars in a parallel life.Â Whupâ€¦.a fashion photographer and aÂ buxom modelÂ were just eaten. The CGI is so obtrusive that the blood looked like a hovering, red cloud, and the scene was a total rip of Samuel Jacksonâ€™s last moment in Deep Blue Sea (a genuine, roll-in-the-floor laff riotâ€¦.the scene, not the entire film).
Letâ€™s do a little dissecting (horrible non-pun intended). Writer/director Brian Clyde (oh, and there are three writers credited here)Â hasnâ€™t, eh, done too much, but star Brad Johnson is no stranger to F-list straight-to-DVD and made-for-TV fare. Youâ€™ll be able to catch him in a future Sci-Fi original called Copperhead (it incorporates a â€œwild westâ€ theme!!). Supergator is a buffet of poor-manâ€™s actors/actresses. The poor-manâ€™s Swayze. The poor manâ€™s Halle Berry. The poor manâ€™s William Peterson. The poor-manâ€™s Treat Williams (and thatâ€™s rough).
The salty, aging scientist/zoologist/hunter (not to be confused with the paraplegic scientist) pockets a pint of bourbon at all times. I havenâ€™t done the proper amount of research to determine which actor plays this part. Whupâ€¦.another bimbo met her demise through jump cuts of bloody body parts and screams. As weâ€™re 50 minutes in, three separate parties are traipsing through the jungles of Hawaii: The scientists, the environmentalists, and three party dudes (fat wacky guyâ€¦.check!!). Barely-clothed tarts are distributed throughout all three groups. One has been running through the woods for 30 minutes. Frances Doel, a co-writer, was the script girlÂ for Cockfighter (the â€˜74 adaptation of Willefordâ€™s novel), and her subsequent writing credits make for a whatâ€™s what of disaster/nature-strikes-backâ€¦.â€™78â€™s Avalanche all the way to â€™04â€™s Dinocroc.
Wow! This just in: Roger Corman produced it! Ok, maybe thatâ€™s a â€œwow.â€
Shall we have a one-hour mark (btwâ€¦one of the gorier scenes just happened) wager re: how Supergator will be stopped?
2. Pushed into live volcano (it must be noted that a live volcano â€œspawnedâ€ the Supergator)
3. Shot with somethingâ€¦like an anti-aircraft rocket
4. Chopped up or dismembered
5. It escapes
Yes, this is what Iâ€™m doing when there are farÂ more important projects to work on. Television, I love you. Â