Re: The Low Down Dirty D.A.W.G.S. reunion show!!! Scroll down (way down) for show info.
These are the footnotes to a conversation I once had with Kenny “Bad Dog” Monroe (D.A.W.G.S.’ bassist).
1. Chimichangas ? a burrito that has been deep-fried. At authentic Mexican restaurants, they can reach the size of a house cat.
2. Cooley Chops – the D.A.W.G.S. manager. He is also a local Cincinnati radio personality.
3. Beaver Lick, Kentucky – an actual town near Cincinnati. This was not an attempt by Kenny to inject locker room humor into the interview ? that comes later.
4. Carlos San Pedros – the D.A.W.G.S.? lead guitarist. He is obsessed with the late Stevie Ray Vaughan.
5. The Pure Prairie League – one of Cincinnati?s more famous exports. Forming in 1971 and breaking up in 1983, they created a rather faceless brand of countrified, singer-songwriter style Southern rock and are best known for the mega-hit ?Aimee? (?Aimee, whatchu gonna do, I think I?m in love with you?). They also served as the launching pad for future country superstar Vince Gill, who joined the band in 1979, providing vocals for their comeback hit ?Let Me Love You Tonight? (1980).
6. ?Doobage? – slang terminology for marijuana commonly used by people approaching middle age.
7. Texas Blues – a vomit-triggering, unredeemable genre of music made by white people who dress very badly. Let?s just say that I could name a few more guitarists that should have been in that helicopter.
8. Divorce ? current rate is around 60%
9. Alcoholism – feeling the effects of booze before the sun goes down, on a regular basis.
10. Child Support ? vicarious parenting.
11. ?Blade? ? Carlos San Pedros? silent, knife-wielding side kick.
12. Robert Cray ? contemporary yuppie cocaine puffy pants studio rock posing as the ?blues.?
13. The Oak Ridge Boys ? gospel country pop vocal corporation that gave you the most irritating song of all time: ?Elvira?
14. ?Durrang Duran? – this was transcribed exactly as it emerged from Bad Dog?s mouth.
15. ?Baker Street? ? Afternoon Rock staple identifiable by it?s signature sax line. It?s track two on Gerry Rafferty?s City To City (1978).
16. Blues Brothers 2000 ? ever wonder how people in the entertainment industry lose their jobs?
17. Greenbush, OH ? Small town about 50 miles north of Cincinnati.
18. Jonny Lang ? white barroom dart-throwing NAMBLA ?blues? channeled through a teenage guitar-shop leech. Thoroughly exploited ? and deserves every bit of it. The music is some kind of alt-metal Stevie Ray hybrid, complete with the side-of-the-mouth vocals made popular by earlier radio rock favorites. Stay tuned for the debilitating drug habit scheduled to appear in about two years.
19. poor man?s Rat Pack romps – genre of film that is characterized by HUGE casts featuring washed up but big names. They are usually fast paced and chock full of physical and sexual humor.
20. The Cannonball Run (1981) – second most successful movie to be directed by Hal Needham (the redneck Mel Brooks), with the first being Smokey and The Bandit (1977). Featured an insanely large cast of has-beens, superstars, up and comers, etc. This movie, as is the case with Gumball Rally(1976) and Cannonball (also1976) as well, is based on a real, annual cross country race that may still illegally take place.
21. Racquet (1979) – pathetic sex comedy starring Burt Convy as a tennis instructor trying to fuck his way into opening his very own racquet club. Bjorn Borg has a cameo. Also features the late tennis champion Bobby Riggs, who was notorious for his publicly chauvinistic attitude upon defeating Margaret Court in the first ?Battle Of The Sexes? tournament of the early 70?s. After basically stating that he could beat any woman, he was then demolished several months later by Billie Jean King in the second ?Battle Of The Sexes.?
22. The In-Laws (1979) – nerve racking comedy starring the fantastic Alan Arkin and the marginal Peter Falk. Chaos ensues.
23. Mel Brooks ? an American comedy institution. Helped pioneer the ?sight-gag-onslaught? style favored by the Zucker Brothers, the Farrelly Brothers, and to a lesser extent, Hal Needham. Young Frankenstein (1974) and Blazing Saddles (1974) provide a chapter in the annals of comedy that only an idiot would overlook. Remember, comedy is the genre that has the least amount of staying power. Silent Movie (1977), History Of The World: Pt 1 (1981), High Anxiety (1977), and Spaceballs (1987) are also required viewing. Don?t make the mistake that Bad Dog made ? avoid his 90?s work.
24. ?Tucky? Monroe – Kenny?s father, who is only 14 years his senior.
25. Mel Tillis – venerable country star famous for a severe speech impediment that disappears when he sings. He has enjoyed countless hit singles throughout his career, and became a mainstay in the field of hillbilly slapstick when he starred in such delights as Every Which Way But Loose (1979), Smokey and the Bandit II (1980), and the aforementioned Cannonball Run. He released a live album in 1980 entitled M-M-M-Mel Live.
26. Preppies (1982) ? low-profile sex comedy funded by the Playboy empire.
27. Men In Tights (1993) ? Brooks? parody of Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves. Showcases a veritable who?s who of Hollywood whoredom: Richard Lewis, Isaac Hayes (Burger King commercials, people), Tracy Ullman, Dick Van Patton, Brian George, and David Chapelle.
28. Patch Adams (1998) – Hollywood pap targeted at holiday crowd of ?98. A perfect job for the floundering talents of?
29. Robin Williams – aside from his role in a largely forgettable sitcom, Williams is also known as one of the prototypical coked-out-of-their-brains stand-up comedians of the late-70?s/early-80?s. If you think that Richard Pryor?s pre-performance drug use was obvious, you have yet to witness Mr. Williams travel mere inches from an on camera seizure during this era. The past decade has seen him take on a criminal amount of extremely disposable family movies, usually around Christmas of each year.
30. Mrs. Doutbfire (1993) – aforementioned ?funnyman? dresses up in drag as a British housekeeper to add hilarity to a custody battle. I think.
31. Canadian – term for a citizen of Canada, a mysterious country located north of the U.S.
32. ?L.A.? – amalgam for ?Los Angeles?, a city located in southern California where they grow famous people.
33. The Big Brother Program – national program with regional chapters that focuses on providing an older ?male figure? to young boys who are enrolled. It is difficult to say what exactly qualifies a young boy to have a ?big brother? (Divorce, death of parent, orphan, etc), but this program is different from N.A.M.B.L.A. in that it is legal, and the scheduled outings are of a consensual nature (trips to the park, bowling, etc). There is also a Big Sisters Program.
34. Matthew – Bad Dog?s 13-year-old upper middle class, latch-key, ?little brother? in the above program.
35. Laser Tag – strangely enough, still a popular pastime. It is more organized as of late, with large complexes built solely for the purpose of alleviating loneliness through the act of joining teams and wearing light sensitive ?gear? so that you can shoot ?lasers? at one another. When the game came to prominence in the mid-80?s, it was sold as individual kits to kids who would play it as a neighborhood game (this is much less creepy than the 16 ? 30 year-old demographic that currently pays money to play the game). Private use of the game dropped however, when several kids where gunned down by cops who thought that they were brandishing real guns.
36. Paint Ball – very similar to Laser Tag, except that it attracts grown gun fanatics who stalk each other with expensive, high-powered CO2 guns that fire small paint pellets. It is very organized and is played in places such as vacant warehouses and deserted train yards. Again, it is still less depressing than modern day laser tag.
37. Ex-wife ? many men who are over thirty and in bands have these.
38. T.J. Banks – country superstar who is namedropped several times during the DAWGS documentary.
39. ?outlaw country? – term used to describe the style/aesthetic that came to prominence in the early-to-mid 70?s. Regionally, it is related to Texas, though the artists originated from everywhere, even Nashville, a city whose shiny money oriented values it was railing against. Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Johnny Paycheck, Jerry Jeff Walker, David Allan Coe, Hank Williams Jr., and Guy Clark are all artists who sported an ?outlaw country? phase or entire career, with Nelson and Jennings being the two pillars of the movement.
40. ?Renaissance? – though referenced incorrectly by Bad Dog, is used to describe an individual or widespread social or political ?awakening? of sorts.
41. NASCAR – amalgam for National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. High dollar good ol? boy sport that attracts a slightly snobbier audience than wrestling or tractor pulling.
42. KIA – late entry into the import ?built-with-paper-clips? economy car designed to steer consumers away from the superior craftsmanship of Hondas, Toyotas, and Nissans. These cars generally give the owner serious problems after 50,000 miles ? no one in their right mind should be dealing with a car like this. Hyundias and Daewoos also fall into this category. Country stars, regardless of automobile brand, are very common sights on commercials, but I guess that is a Southern thing.
43. ?Robbers Roost? – local roadhouse that houses the DAWGS every Saturday night.
44. ZZ Top – enjoyable Texas blues rock/boogie band that, not surprisingly, released its strongest material in the 70?s, its funniest material in the 80?s, and its saddest material in the 90?s. Every ?Top release from the 70?s is worth having and is collectively obtainable for under twelve dollars. Tres Hombres (1973) and Deguello (1979) are the best ones, with the latter being a really weird and comical record. Very credible rock critics have touted their first phase as seminal, with the most notable being the late Lester Bangs. After El Loco (1981, see below) they released Eliminator (1983) to an MTV generation that ate up its horrifyingly non-organic sound in a big way. The car on the album cover became a staple in the videos and in hamfisted conversation of all walks. This resulted in four MASSIVE radio hits – bigger than they had ever experienced to this point (all of their previous records yielded at least one hit). With the small exception of it now being a spaceship (NASA and their exploding space shuttles were very topical at this point), the car returned for 1985?s Afterburner, which contained songs like ?Velcro Fly?, ?Sleeping Bag?, and ?Rough Boy? ? all of which scare the living piss out of me. They disappeared for five years and reemerged with Recycler (1990), an album that mined the same synthetic territory as the two before, but producing only two questionable ?hits? (one was a hit due only to it being in Back To The Future III). Their three subsequent albums (!!!!) have showcased a drastic but equally as irrelevant return to roots rock.
45. ?Tush? – ZZ Top hit from the album Fandango (1975), which also featured the incendiary ?Heard It On The X.?
46. ?Beautiful Tonight? – Eric Clapton song that exists only in my head.
47. ?Cocaine? – the worst song ever written within a realm of lyrical subject matter that could be potentially funny at times.
48. ?Mr. Bojangles? – Jerry Jeff Walker tune from his 1968 debut album of the same name. What?s playing in your head right now is the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band?s cover version, which was a huge hit in 1970/71.
49. ?Wonderful Tonight? – the title that I was initially looking for. Omnipresent radio fart issued by Eric Clapton in 1977.
50. Bruce Willis – big dollar bad actor who has maybe a pinch of integrity under his belt, but generally stars in simple fluff. Got his big break with TV?s Moonlighting in 1985 and went on to be a big screen staple shortly thereafter. In 1988 he made an inexplicable career move with??.
51. The Return Of Bruno (1988) – since I was raised on the tube, I have unfortunate memories of this premiering on HBO. This was a mockumentary focusing on ?Bruno Radolini?, a fake has been rock star played by you-know-who. It followed Bruno?s ?career? through the beginning through the ?missing years? and up to the ?return?, and the parallels between the storyline and Brian Wilson?s real life are not coincidental (though it tries to parody several other rock lives as well). Let me add that it was not funny in the least, attempting a Spinal Tap level of parody and falling flat on it?s face. Many, many big names in music and cinema were featured as themselves, including: Michael J. Fox, Elton John, Jon Bon Jovi, Graham Nash, Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, and Joan Baez, just to name a few. There was a soundtrack album issued, but I don?t recall who played the actual music on ?Bruno?s songs.? Maybe it was Bruce.
52. Walter Egan – a folk-rooted afternoon rocker that penned the 1978 hit ?Magnet and Steel?. He wrote the song ?Hearts on Fire? from Gram Parson?s Grievous Angel (1973).
53. Jay Ferguson ? no name rocker that was able to get the incoherent Joe Walsh to play on his records. ?Thunder Bay? is a great afternoon rock song from the 1978 album of the same title.
54. Teaser ? pre DAWGS Kenny ?Bad Dog? Monroe creative outlet.
55. Proctor and Gamble ? terrifying entity that is on your jock everyday, unless you pay close attention to what products you purchase. They should not be supported in any way, shape, or fashion. Best known for cleaning products, P & G became HUGE in the 60?s when they began advertising during daytime soap operas. This led to market domination in many areas of consumer goods, with middle class house wives being the main target. People have ?allegedly? been beaten, raped, chastised, or found themselves under surveillance for simply confronting or questioning the corporation. Others have been ?silenced? by P & G?s imposing team of lawyers, or just sued to the point that they have to rely on food stamps to feed their families. Their first major products were Ivory Soap and bombs for WWII. They are a massive but very tight knit organization, super paranoid and very reluctant to deal directly with retailers. Some say that ?666? can be seen within the P and G logo, and this urban myth has been a thorn in their side for years. Though they have numerous qualifications, employees who leave P & G under less than amicable terms have been known to experience great difficulty when trying to find work. The reason that they are ?on your jock? is very plain: They fucking make everything. Some examples: Tide, Comet, Dawn, Joy, Spic and Span, Clearasil, Noxzema, Coast and Ivory soaps, Fixodent, Old Spice, Secret, Sure, Luvs, Pampers, Always, Metamucil, Pepto-Bismol, Vidal Sassoon, Attends Adult Diapers, Scope, Chloraseptic, Puffs, Bounty, Head and Shoulders, Prell, Oil of Olay, Crest toothpaste, Vick?s VapoRub, Sinex, Crisco, Duncan Hines, Folgers coffee, Hawaiian Punch, Jif peanut butter, Pringles, Sunny Delight, – and that?s just part of the list. They also test and manufacture a number of food additives, and at one time they made a brand of tampon that was the first on record to cause??..
56. Toxic Shock Syndrome or TSS, is a potentially fatal, but currently rare, toxin-induced diseased that is/was most common in women using highly absorbent tampons. The toxins are released by a common strain of bacteria called Staphylococcus aureus that is present in the extremities of one in three people. Highly absorbent tampons are known to facilitate the release of these toxins due to improper insertion. Proctor and Gamble unwittingly brought TSS to the world?s attention in the late-70?s when its Rely brand, one of the first to be advertised as highly absorbent, ?allegedly? caused a handful of TSS deaths. Despite consumer upheaval, Procter and Gamble apparently sold highly absorbent tampons for years before they ever put warnings on the boxes, and this resulted in some massive lawsuits against the company. In true P & G fashion, the predictable onslaught of counter lawsuits and cover-up actions ensued in order to disassociate the company?s name from these occurrences. P & G however, did lose several of these cases, making this one of the only instances that someone has legally taken on the company and won. To give an idea of just how powerful these freaks are, the majority of websites, books, or brochures on the subject seem to mysteriously glaze over any kind of historical information regarding the disease.
57. Olestra, or Olean, is a chemical additive used in various brands of snack chips so that they can be marketed as ?low fat.? It is what is commonly referred to as a ?fat substitute? or ?fat blocker?, and was not FDA approved when unleashed upon the public. That can be classified as another indicator of P & G?s power. It is widely known to cause major gastrointestinal chaos: loose stools, ?anal leakage? violent diarrhea, etc. Studies with this additive prior to it appearing on shelves were less than admirable: Subjects in focus groups were given daily quantities of the additive (over a seven day period) that would come out to around one Olestra affected chip a day, drastically reducing what would normally happen if you were to eat a real bag of additive-laced chips (like the kind that are now in stores). Luckily, the avoidance of products containing Olestra is easy, not only are all of the products required to have a lengthy warning on the package (that basically says in so many words that you will crap your drawers upon consumption), most have a catchy name like Doritos WOW! Brand, or Lay?s MAX! brand chips. Just remember these phrases and you can?t go wrong: ?WOW, I?ve just soiled my britches, and I?m on a date!!? or ?I?ve clearly visited the latrine the MAXimum amount of times allowable by my employer today.?
58. ?briefs? – refers to tight, elasticized cotton underwear. Their usefulness evades me, though some say they are needed for ?support.? Briefs usually come in white, and they ironically house the area of the body most likely to stain something.
59. ?Smokey Reds? ? recently introduced flavor of Doritto that is a very dubious shade of red. I was underwhelmed after eating a bag of these for research purposes.
60. Dorritos ? popular snack chip manufactured by PepsiCo. Get back to me after you wash down a bag with a cup of coffee, at around 7 am tomorrow morning.
61. Sloehand – Bad Dog?s right hand man. He?s a mute, a mechanic, and he plays rhythm guitar in the D.A.W.G.S.
62. ?blow? ? slang for Cocaine, a drug prescribed to people who don?t talk out of turn enough.
63. ?neigborhood bar and grill? – an establishment that serves a lot of fancy fried food and attracts hippies, fratboys, single dentists, and barflies. Some, unfortunately, feature live bands that talk to the crowd a lot about ?soul?, the ?blues? or whatever cover song is going to get them laid. A balding man with a stringy ponytail will be the manager, and a 33-year old cokehound with three kids and various restraining orders will be your waitress.
64. Mike Watt – founded and played bass in one of the greatest American bands of all time, The Minutemen. After D. Boon?s untimely demise in 1985, Watt went on to form the less seminal (but still enjoyable) fIREHOSE with Minutemen drummer George Hurley and fanboy Ed ?fROMOHIO?. After fIREHOSE broke up, Watt embarked on a solo career that should be avoided at all costs.
65. ?security fees? – money paid to law enforcement so that they turn a blind eye towards illegal goings on. Can also pertain to money that is paid to the mafia or gangs so that you don?t lose your business or get wacked.
66. ?Coppers? ? somewhat old-fashioned slang for police.
67. Bonnie Raitt ? adult contemporary vocalist who sounds as if she chews up a pack of Carltons every day. She got huge in the late-80?s/early-90?s ? rather late in her painful career.
68. Alannah Miles ? Canadian Bonnie Raitt copy that went numero uno with ?Black Velvet? in 1989.
69. morning zoo style radio program ? there?s one in every town. Paired-up ham ?n? eggers exercise lowest common denominator stand-up comic humor so that your drive to work in the morning will be filled with guffaws. Bodily humor, poking fun at politicians and ?current? events, redneck funny business ? it?s all game.
70. ?Whip-Its? or ?Nitrous?, are capsules of highly compressed Nitrous Oxide manufactured in bulk and used legally to provide pressure in commercial whipped cream dispensers. They look identical to the CO2 cartridges used in pellet guns. The cartridges can also be easily obtained from adult bookstores and porn theaters for the presumably illegal practice of inhaling them via a brass adapter and balloon. The effect lasts about 20 seconds and feels like a very brief orgasm combined with the sensation of getting fire-hosed in solitary confinement. Fun to experiment with at an early age, I guess, but people over the age of 21 that indulge in this pastime tend to wear stupid things on their heads.
71. ?BC Rich Bitch? ? tech geeks and guitar shop loiterers dream of serving sloppy joes in the B.C. Rich factory cafeteria.
72. El Loco ? last ZZ Top album (1981) before they went synth-pop. The cover shows the three band members walking across the desert hauling a potato sack filled with reefer. A confused officer of the law trails close behind. They must be krazy.
73. The Sharper Image ? a mail order catalog that survives by selling useless shit to upper class suburbanites. The retail chain was launched sometime after the catalog took off. Poorly manufactured robots that serve drinks to your guests, reclining chairs that jerk you off, cat litter boxes that can walk to the trash, wrist watches that can read minds, and joke sunglasses that gouge the eye sockets – are just a few of the examples of what retired CEO?s the world over feel that they need to waste money on.
74. Inspector Gadget – clever (in doses) afternoon cartoon that ran from 1983 to 1985, before hitting syndication. The main character was an obvious combination of Get Smart?s ?Maxwell Smart? and ?Chief Inspector Clouseau? from the very creepy Pink Panther cartoon series. Don Adams, who played ?Maxwell Smart?, provided the voice for Inspector Gadget. Unwisely made into a live action full-length feature in 1999.
75. ?crystal meth? – homemade stimulant that is steadily rising in popularity. Meth labs stink badly, explode regularly, and can be located in urban areas by finding people who run their window unit air-conditioners year round. The drug is as powerful as an aluminum bat to the head, and the high is like two lines of coke with 400% more paranoia and 13 hours to burn. Heroin addicts may steal and lie, but meth addicts steal school buses and drive them through crowded restaurants. It can be made from items purchased from a grocery store, and it will destroy you from the inside out much quicker than any other hard drug. It will ravage your features like no other, sinking those eye sockets and rotting those teeth so that the whole world knows what you?re into (as if the constant babbling and cleaning of the kitchen floor with a toothbrush weren?t evidence enough). If you?re into dabbling, I suggest you try it once or twice, and never touch it again. The high is also similar to that of ecstasy, but without most of the bodily feeling due to lack of narcotics on the menu. Pharmaceutically manufactured Ecstasy (there was such a thing) was referred to as ?MDMA?, with the ?MA? standing for ?Methamphetemine.?
76. ?new wave? – a musical movement of yore. Kids today are real good at finding increasingly boring ways to ass rape it of any redeeming value.
77. ?electronic music? – an excuse for people to do one or more of the following: Wear bad clothes, make lifeless shit in the name of ?experimentation?, mic home appliances and release entire records of it to critical acclaim, suck up to walking pieces of dog doo such as British music ?writer? Simon Reynolds, dance their little asses off, snort coke off people?s dicks, wear more bad clothes, occasionally make worthwhile music, go to bed.
78. Burton Cummings – spent a decade fronting The Guess Who, a captivatingly average Canadian rock band. He hit the solo road in 1976, and had a nice little breadwinner with ?Stand Tall? the same year. His debut album featured a swing version of ?You Ain?t Seen Nothin? Yet?, which would be a huge hit for fellow Canadians Bachman Turner Overdrive in 1977. Randy Bachman, the original guitarist for The Guess Who, formed BTO in 1972. Burton?s ?A Fine State Of Affairs? must have been ?big in Canada?, because it rings no bell between these ears.
79. ?Billie Jean? – first video by a black artist to be aired on MTV (1982).
80. ?blue movies? ? ancient term for ?pornos.? The adjective ?blue? was also used to describe early forms of nasty stand-up comedy.
81. ?Floridian? – of or associated with the state of Florida, the Death Metal capitol of America.
82. Molly Hatchet ? much like other well-known southern rock bands from Jacksonville Fl, the Hatchet occupied the harder end of the genre?s spectrum. Molly Hatchet took the Nazareth approach to aesthetics by assigning metal artwork to a sound that was anything but. They were formed in the mid-70?s and had a top 40 hit in 1979 with the propulsive ?Flirtin? With Disaster.? Many of the member?s middle names were mistaken for their surnames. The band is named after a supposedly mythical southern prostitute that would behead her clients. When the 80?s entered the picture, so did other interesting concepts like the absence of a fan base, alcoholism, inter-band discourse, futility, and several break-ups followed by club circuit reunions. They had a three-guitar lineup.
83. Blackfoot – the most metal of the Jacksonville Four, and scored the heavy (for radio) hit ?Train Train? in 1979, after toiling around for the better part of the decade. Shorty Medlocke, the banjo-picking grandfather of guitarist/band leader Ricky Medlocke, wrote the above hit, and appeared on many records thereafter. I?m sure that he played with them live, adding that pathetic ?old guy? prop-cred-gag that crosses the boundaries of all genres to this very day. I think that Ricky may have played with L. Skynyrd before they released their debut, too. I dunno, coulda been something I heard from your lying lips. More interesting trivia about Blackfoot: They were comprised entirely of Native Americans. Two-guitar line-up.
84. The Outlaws – lighter SoRock fare that hailed from Tampa. Penned the fabulous ?Green Grass and High Tides? ? a classic rock staple that should have stolen the fire from ?Free Bird?, but a perfect world we are far from. They had another minor hit with ?Ghost Riders In The Sky?, but ?Green Grass?.? will punch your fucking ticket with its twin lead guitar seven-minute back rub. Worth every cent of the two dollars that you pay for the record, but avoid the anemic live version. Three-guitar line-up.
85. .38 Special ? here?s where it gets fun. Jacksonville?s third most profitable band, following very close behind Skynyrd and Limp Bizkit. Formed and led by a one Donnie Van Zandt, little brother of Ronnie, whom we all know (or will very soon). Named after a cheap and poorly made (therefore very dangerous) variety of .38 caliber revolver that could be bought on the street back in the day (also called a ?Saturday Night Special? ? hence song title courtesy of Donnie?s bro). Boogie didn?t appear to be the best direction for these guys early on, so they polished up their sound and added some meaty hooks to become what I guess could be considered a redneck version of The Cars. Ummm?.let?s not go that far, really. ?Rockin? Into The Night?, ?Stone Cold Believer?, ?Hold On Loosely?, ?Caught Up In You?, ?Wild-Eyed Southern Boys?, and ?Second Chance? (late-80?s last gasp) are all songs that you have whistled at some point. Two-guitar line-up and very funny album covers.
86. ?Skynyrd? ? short for ?Lynyrd Skynyrd?, Jacksonville?s most important contribution to pop culture. ?Simple Man?, ?Every Mother?s Son?, and ?Tuesday?s Gone? are great classic rock songs, and no one should be ashamed of screaming the words incorrectly while you drive with the windows up. Two of their hits, ?That Smell? (about how needle-users let their living spaces go to shit) and ? Needle and the Spoon?, carry an anti-heroin sentiment. Ronnie Van Zandt (guitar, principle songwriter), Steve Gaines (lead guitarist that signed on in 1976), and Cissie Gaines (backup singer, sister of Steve) were all killed when the band?s privately chartered plane crashed in 1977. When seriously injured drummer Artimus Pyle went to find help, a shotgun-wielding farm owner who thought that the bloodied ?longhair? was a trespasser blasted him in the shoulder. MCA?s three-guitar meal ticket disbanded shortly thereafter.
87. ?the same line-up? ? this is incorrect. I am referring to a three-guitar line-up, and only three of the five bands mentioned apply. I guess that I got a little excited.
88. David T. Chastain ? odd metal guitar virtuoso that?s been pumping out records since 1985. He?s one of those genre jumpers that has always missed the lucrative sound by a year or two. He has traveled a wide section of wack: Industrial metal, classical fret burning, alternative metal, tech-metal a la Helloween, hair metal, – he?s tried it. Trivia note: When he feels that a vocalist is needed, they are almost always female.
89. The Carp Brothers ? I have no idea who the fuck these people are.
90. The Michael Denton Group ? I could make something funny up here, but I must save my energy. Again, I have no idea.
91. Nightcrew ? I think that I am being fucked with.
92. Midnight Star ? Finally, a familiar face in the nightmare void of non-bands. Midnight Star are my very favorite early-80?s synth-funk band, edging out Cameo and The Gap Band by a mere hair. They had a string of great hits centering around the albums No Parking On The Dance Floor (1983) and Planetary Invasion (1984), their third and fourth albums respectively. Several years ago, I had a very bad habit of getting extremely drunk and subjecting house guests to No Parking?? in it?s entirety. This act, which I used to refer to as ?running the gauntlet,? would normally occur sometime after 3 a.m. Along with the title track, this record also harbored the hit ?Freak-A-Zoid.? Planetary Invasion would go on to produce the fabulous ?Operator.? Things began to crumble after many members of the nine piece band quit, presumably due to the staying power of third wave novelty science fiction ass-movin? R&B. I believe that a few pre-breakup Midnight Star albums may have fallen into the Quiet Storm genre, but I?m not for certain of this.
93. Rockduster ? Something is failing here, either it?s my talent for detecting bullshit, or my talent for at being a nerd.
94. Throneberry ? named after a baseball player, this very real, very middle-of-the-road indie-rock band has put out a string of albums on the Alias label since the mid-90?s.
95. WKRP In Cincinnati ? popular sitcom that aired in 1978 and ran for four years. FM radio had undergone an unfortunate change in the early to mid-70?s, resulting in the very popular AOR (Album Oriented Rock) format replacing the horde of ?weird?, jazz, and pirate broadcasters that had previously dominated the band. This sitcom, like the film FM (1978), was trying to capitalize on this aspect of pop-culture that had become household fare by this time. It featured a band of wacky characters trying to run a rock (recently adopted format) station owned by one of their moms. This shows holds a lot of nostalgia for some people, – I?m not one of them. The most colorful involved were, of course, Howard Hessman (DJ Johnny Fever) and Tim Reid (Venus Flytrap). On a more print worthy note, the series was resurrected in 1991 as The New WKRP In Cincinnati, and lasted for a two years, on the USA Network of course.
96. C.P.O. Sharky ? Military sitcom (those are always a fucking hoot, huh?) that aired in 1976 and lasted an astonishing two whole years. C.P.O. stands for ?Chief Petty Officer?, and none other than Don Fucking Rickles played ?Chief Petty Officer? ?Sharky? in this alluring ball of shit. The ?punk rock? episode featured the real-life Dickies. The only reason that this lasted a second season was that NBC needed a last minute replacement for the failed Sanford Arms, which was an attempt to, get this, carry on the Sanford and Son name WITHOUT Redd Foxx or Demond Wilson. You may now go to the bathroom.
97. Quincy M.E. – medical drama about a nosey coroner who lived in a trailer (in the park across the street from the hospital) and solved murders based on suspicious autopsy reports. The namesake was played by Jack Clugman, who was one half of The Odd Couple the series (1970), not the movie (1968), which featured Walter Matthau in the Oscar Madison role.
98. Detective ? this was the second attempt by British rocker Micheal DeBarres to achieve arena stardom, with the first being the glam-rock failure Silverhead. They were on Led Zeppelin?s Swan Song label, and they had one of my favorite band names of all time.
99. Pamela De Barres ? um, I?ll keep this short. This woman, for better or worse, is the most famous groupie of all time. Her most famous trysts were with Jimmy Page, Jimi Hendrix, Don Van Vleit (Captain Beefheart), and burgeoning actor Don Johnson. She wrote several acidic, very candid books that are probably required reading for any pop culture addict (I?ve missed the boat, but plan to rectify). She has also released an audio accompaniment to her biggest book, I?m With The Band: Confessions of a Groupie, in 1995.
100. Rosanne (Barr) ? stand-up comedian turned mega star via an insanely successful sitcom. Media darling that turned her no-name everyman husband into a star as well. The sitcom was on prime time for a whopping nine years, prompting me to have a big crush on Sara Gilbert during part of that time (she?s 24 goddamnit).
101. Molly Ringwald ? Much less annoying or depressing than much of her first wave brat pack brethren (of which she was the female flagship), Molly got her start as a brief regular during the first season of Facts Of Life in 1979, after the obligatory appearance on The New Mickey Mouse Club of course. She was only eighteen when she made her blowup appearance in Sixteen Candles (1984), which is amazingly considering Hollywood?s tendency during this period to place 30 year-olds in the roles of high school students. Several other HUGE (mainly John Hughes powered) films followed. Her gangly, not-so-sexy, disposition was strangely intoxicating at one point during my childhood. During the 90?s, she starred in a little horror here and there, some Lifetime-style family fare, and a few off-Broadway productions, the latter of which seems to be her forte. It may not sound like much to you, but her chosen post-cute direction shows far more integrity than many of her peers, such as???..
102. Andrew McCarthy ? almost unworldly-like good looks kept this joke of an actor afloat during the 80?s, with a resume that included: Class (1983), Heaven Help Us (1985), St. Elmo?s Fire (1985), Pretty In Pink (1986), Mannequin (1987), and Less Than Zero (1987) ? just to name a few. Oh, and Weekend At Bernies (1989), a movie that was somehow made into a sequel in 1993, which Andrew probably needed at the time. His last credible role was probably as Henry Miller in the film adaptation of Quiet Days In Clichy (1990), then things just got sad. Last year, I watched a made-for-cable ?computer sci-fi action? movie called New World Disorder, and Andrew was the bad guy, ?Bishop.?
103. Fresh Horses – PG-13 fairy tale about a good lookin? dude who breaks off his marriage because he falls in love with a ?rough-around-the-edges? country girl, who turns out to be married. Unwatchable.
104. Saga ? by-the-numbers Canadian AOR band who had one big hit with the very funny ?On The Loose? (No one can stop you now, tonight you?re on the loose!!!?).
105. Nembutal(s) – standard tranquilizer that?s been around for ages. Pentobarbitol is the type, ?Nembutal? is just the brand name.
106. ?danbanna? ? headgear that is sold at rural gas stations. It consists of bandanna material that is already fastened into a cap of sorts ? no re-tying!! Popular patterns include little eightballs, reefer leaves, rebel flags, fire, and guns.
107. Fyrefoxx ? local Cincinnati metal that sounds exactly like Kick Axe.
108. Clint Eastwood ? actor who was a prime mover in at least two respectable film genres during his spotty but entertaining career: The Silent Ass-Whooper Western and the Silent Ass Whooper Cop Drama. His ?Harry Callahan? (Dirty Harry) character spawned too many laughable imitators to count, and each Dirty Harry movie (there were five: Dirty Harry (1971), Magnum Force (1973), The Enforcer (1976), Sudden Impact (1983), and The Dead Pool (1988)) featured Harry with a new tough-ass catch phrase. He has starred in some of the greatest Westerns ever made, and was a known face in the ?Spaghetti? variety. A Fistful Of Dollars (1964), The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (1966), Hang ?em High (1967), and especially High Plains Drifter (1972) and The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976) are all required viewing. The first three are on the hipster tongue because of the Ennio Morricone soundtracks, and Clint directed the latter two. Play Misty For Misty (1971) and The Beguiled (1971) are two more must-sees. Every expansive career that doesn?t entirely consist of an embarrassing underbelly must have one lurking around somewhere, and this man?s pinnacle would have to be the genre-defining buddy-chimp fiascos Every Which Way But Loose (1978) and Andy Which Way You Can (1980). These pieces of trash were the inspiration for the BJ. and the Bear TV series and movie (1978 and 1979 respectively). A chaotic split with long time lover and co-star Sandra Locke resulted in him changing the door locks to his estate in the late 80?s, mirroring several scenes from one of the above mentioned films.
109. ?it?s a movie? ? the band Fyrefoxx apparently took their name from the film Firefox (1982), a sub par espionage action ?thriller? about a super sonic jet plane. Clint Eastwood directed and starred.
110. Iron Eagle (movies) ? This series of cold war action/adventure buddy/teen bad actor/bad actor films began in 1986, and I guess that it drew at the box office, cuz I think that I was dropped off at the mall to see it (this holds true for Ice Pirates too, so maybe my theory is shot) It takes the Top Gun homoerotic thing and melds it with the kid and the mentor thing and then stirs in some general cold war era hatred of the middle east. The first one had Louis Gossett Jr. (won an oscar for role in An Officer And A Gentleman (1982)), demi-hunk Jason Gedrick, and all around oddity Tim Thomerson (stand-up comedian who starred in the Trancers films, which are priceless). If this is at possible, the sequels degenerate quickly until the final one in 1995. Instead of blowing apart the Middle East, the latter two deal with fighting drugs and toxic waste.
111. Louis Gossett Jr. ? Pretty boring character actor with pretty boring resume that includes TV movie after TV movie, Roots mini-series (1977), Jaws 3-D (1983), and the blink-and-miss-it Y2K (1999). He is still getting work.
112. Stealth Fighter (1999) ? straight-to-video explosion porn about you-know-what and how Ice-T steals a you-know-what in order to you-know-what.
113. Ice-T ? Hip-hop pioneer turned actor who had some super-inspired musical moments early in career. Rhyme Pays (1987), Power (1989), and O.G. (1991) are great records. These releases, alongside West-Coast genius Too $hort, are pioneers in aesthetics alone, because it?s plain to see how current hip-hop, with the help of Pen & Pixel Graphics, took the imagery and blew it hilariously out of proportion. For all of his ?credible? contributions, he could also be hamfistedly nasty, of which ?Ladies L.G.B.N.A.F.? (Let?s Get Buck Naked And Fuck) is a good (and funny) example. Oh yeah, he?s a character actor of blurred worth. However, being a bad actor doesn?t even approach the severity of his greatest crime against earholes the world over: Along with late-period Suicidal Tendencies (and offshoot Infectious Grooves ? which I think I caught your dad listening to last week), Ice-T?s Body Count laid much of the ground work for what would become the worst genre of music (besides Rockabilly) ever created: Rap Metal. The band?s ?Cop Killer? was nothing more than a calculated media tool that worked a little better than Ice had planned.
114. Costas Mandylor ? the living, breathing answer to the question, ?Where the fuck are we going to find an innocuous ethnic character actor for this hour-long drama series that?s going to be cancelled in two weeks????
115. ?singles/divorcee community? ? these no longer legally exist, despite Koozie?s belief that he lives in one. They were nothing more than apartment complexes that did not allow children and frowned upon married couples. Many were constructed in the late-60?s/early 70?s, and are identifiable by their very ?angled? architecture and wood siding. This was the place for those who rented and swung. The rules were lifted in the mid-80?s to the dual tunes of equal housing and the rampant spread of AIDS.
116. Tab ? the continued production of this beverage defies logic. It is manufactured by Coke, and was the first ?all diet? soda pop (before the popularization of major-name diet offshoots), which feeds its reputation as a drink for Valium-gobbling housewives. It was the first high profile home for Saccharine, which was then replaced by Equal because of the formers bad rep. None of this matters when we?re discussing a drink that taste like someone steeped unraveled firecrackers in SlimFast.
117. USA Today ? national daily that was introduced during (and due to) the Reagan era. Bright colors, positive outlook, and right-leaning politics have made this enormous media snowjob a fixture on every corner.
118. Chevrolet Citation ? Semi-compact made by Chevrolet in the early-80?s. They were a glorified, bloated version of the better-known Chevette. ?Citation? seems to be a somewhat unfriendly name for a car, yes? Yet another failed attempt by American automakers to compete with the more efficient and better-built Japanese compacts of the same era. We really looked like idiots during the 70?s and 80?s: The John Delorean designed Ford Mustang of the mid-70?s (this got him fired from Ford), the Vega, the Nova, the Chevette and Pontiac 1000, the Gremlin and Pacer, the Cadillac Cimarron, etc, etc.
119. Styx ? This was my first ?favorite? band, the first band that my mom bought me a tape of (Paradise Theater), and the first band that I purchased specialty mags for (you know, Circus Presents Styx!! Posters, interviews, etc!!). This childhood love flourished at the tale end of their heyday, which was somewhere between Paradise Theater (1981) and Kilroy Was Here (1983), but I have since gone backwards (at different points in my life, namely childhood and adult adoration cum comic ironyhood) to find out the story. The Styx model was simple, yet very entertaining: Combine prog-lite and arena-heavy tendencies with half-ass social commentary, big guitars, big keyboards, and big hooks. Kansas did this shit, so did Yes, but Styx records are a lot more fun to listen to. Styx?s self-titled debut LP (1972) has the greatest cover art of all time. Their fourth LP, Man Of Miracles, has equally jaw-dropping artwork. The entire pre-breakup (1984) discography can probably be had for under ten dollars. They reformed in 1990, with some kind of pro-Gulf War statement (Edge Of The Century). After the ?84 breakup, guitarist Tommy Shaw formed The Damn Yankees with Ted Nugent sometime later in the decade, and they had hits. Frat-boy comedian Adan Sandler is responsible for getting Styx songs into many of his lunk-headed films. Many current hip and huge indie-rock bands owe a nod to Styx: Built To Spill, Plush, The Sea and Cake, Joan Of Arc, – so go spend that ten bucks and play Styx for all of your friends!!!!!
120. ?Blue Collar Man? ? yes, there is a live version of this on Koozie?s preferred Return To Paradise (1997), but the studio version hails from 1978?s Pieces of Eight.
121. Return To Paradise – Stxy?s 1997 venture into fan wool yanking was half studio (new) and half live (old standards). The title harks back to their biggest selling record. Aging arena rock bands pull this stunt all the time.
122. Brave New World ? this is a record of brand new Styx material from 1999, I repeat, nineteen fucking ninety-nine.
123. Michael Franks ? big name mustachioed singer who mines the other worst-genre-of-all-time: Modern Vocal Jazz. Claims also to be a ?composer? and was a music professor at some point. Popular in the 70?s and 80?s, he had a successful career (somehow) and gave his albums titles like: The Art Of Tea (1976), Sleeping Gypsy (1977) and Passionfruit (1983). He and his mustache enjoy appearing on these album covers, which I?m sure many of you have come across in the bin at the thrift store. G-A-Y
124. Cozy Powell ? the quintisensial second choice in drummers. He was the drummer in Richie Blackmore?s Rainbow, sharing the stage with a poor man?s Jimmie Page and a midget, but that lasted for only the first four albums. Otherwise, he was pretty much the session drummer, or seat-filler-after-original-drummer-bolts extraordinaire. He did have several solo albums and a band or two (Bedlam and Cozy Powell?s Hammer), but his sit-in work is where the real entertainment lies: Three Black Sabbath albums from the late-80?s/early 90?s , Emerson, Lake, and Powell (1987, this is not a joke), Cinderalla?s Long Cold Winter (1988), Roger Daltrey?s Under A Raging Moon (1985), The Michael Schenker Group, Whitesnake, Gary Moore (off and on Thin Lizzy guitarist), Jeff Beck, and Brian May. In 1998 he died from a single car accident, and rumor has it that he lost control of the vehicle because he was talking on his cell phone.
125. Phil Collins ? bald drummer whose music videos feature creepy looking puppets.
126. John Bonham ? father of Jason.
127. Keith Moon ? Behind Jason?s dad, this is the greatest, drunkest, fattest drummer the world has ever seen.
128. Kenny Jones ? Keith Moon?s replacement for the Who?s last gasp. He was formerly the drummer for the Small Faces and later the Faces, and also manned the kit for Billy Bragg in the mid-80?s.
129. ?the incident at the coliseum? ? On December 3rd 1979 at Cincinnati?s Riverfront Coliseum, eleven Who fans were crushed to death during a mad rush for the stage. This was their first tour following Moon?s demise, and it was in support of the impotent Who Are You (1978) (he died just three months before it?s release). The band was not informed of the tragedy until after their set.
130. Face Dances ? first proper Who record with Kenny Jones sitting in the Moon position (1981). Garnered the wishy-washy radio hit ?You Better You Bet.?
131. Camaro ? The Chevrolet Motor Company?s flagship sports and/or muscle car. These are fantastic looking automobiles up until the introduction of the fourth body style in the early-80?s, at which time they instantly became one of the ugliest American made cars that I can think of. This is the body-style that Carlos San Pedros drives.
132. Batdorf and Rodney ? an earnestly named soft-rock duo made of John Batdorf and Mark Rodney. No big hits during their tenure in the mid-to-late 70?s, but all three of their albums have gut-busting cover art. Very ?wicker-heavy?, if you catch my drift.
133. Cecilio and Kapono ? the Hawaiian Seals and Croft. Stalwarts of the Hawaiian afternoon-rock scene, which is comprised solely of Cecilio and Kapono. Been around for decades, and they have awesome record covers to boot.
134. John Oates ? one half of Hall and Oates, flagship of the American Afternoon Rock: Special Blue-Eyed Soul Division.
135. Loggins and Messina ? afternoon-rock duo of Jim Messina and Kenny Loggins. Messina was a mainstay of the genre, having also spent time in Poco and Buffalo Springfield. Their second album, Loggins and Messina (1972), yielded the enormous hit ?Your Mama Don?t Dance (and your daddy don?t rock?n?roll)?, which was sampled by the Beastie Boys on Paul?s Boutique (?outta the car long hair!!!!!).
136. Brooks and Dunn ? modern boot-scootin? outfit that typifies the slicked up pop-country style that provides advertisement music during football games, In The Heat Of The Night reruns, and airings of Party Of Five. Brooks? first name is ?Kix.?
137. Seals and Croft ? Jim Seals and Dash Croft are quite possibly, for better or worse (because I despise their songs), the Afternoon-Rock archetype. ?Summer Breeze? (1972) is pretty much the ?Freebird? of the ANR genre. Also scored big with ?We May Never Pass This Way (Again)? in 1973. The title track to 1974?s Unborn Child caused much controversy because it is an anti-abortion song written from the viewpoint of the fetus. This record was a failure, and I?m not quite sure what other result they expected from the venture. Jim is the brother of Dan Seals, of England Dan and John Ford Coley (see below) fame.
138. Max2 ? beats the shit out of me.
139. England Dan and John Ford Coley ? oddly prolific Afternoon-Rock duo that penned the hits ?I?d Really Like To See You Tonight? (197?) and ?We?ll Never Have To Say Goodbye Again? (197?).
140. Kruder and Dorfmeister ? I?m not going to make myself cringe by assigning a stupid sounding genre name to this, but they are a modern duo of producers and DJ?s who have parodied old-school Afternoon-Rock cover art on their own proper albums.
141. Fiero ? really bad move by Pontiac. This was a very unsightly two-seater that tended to spontaneously combust or smoke so badly that it appeared to be on fire. They were shaped like a door-stop, and many were often sighted wearing a sport bra. Don?t ever talk to someone if they pull up to you in one of these.