My Old Writing Never Gets Old

Reviews of movies that I haven’t seen.

Garfield: The Movie

I was disappointed to read that Liz gives Odie to Jon. According to Garfield’s first run, etched forever in the bestselling 1980 debut collection Garfield At Large, Odie belongs to Lyman. As you can see, Lyman was a mustachioed drifter/friend to which Jon offered his couch after minimal begging. Plenty has been said about what Garfield looked like in the very first strip, so on we go to…

Bobby Jones: Stroke Of Genius

This 133 minute, PG-rated instant sleeper about the famous 1930’s golfer was written and directed by Rowdy Herrington, the same man who wrote and directed Road House.

The Terminal

I think that this is the sequel to Philadelphia.

…. and now, a belated moment of silence for Lou Rawls, who passed last Thursday (June 10th, 2004) at the age of 73.

More Automotive Nonsense

The Pontiac Fiero

If you’re going to dress like the 80’s, you should drive like the 80’s – preferrably in something that might burn you to a crisp. Accessorize to the fullest. You’re not the real deal until you drive a comic “it’s not irony” irony car. Here’s a Fiero rundown that exceeds anything I will write on the subject. Excluded are the dangers posed by the Fiero: Easy decapitation, plastic body panels as death trap coating, and the car’s propensity for spontaneous combustion. I prefer not to sit on top of engines, and with the Fiero GT, you sat about four inches from GM’s 2.8 Liter rod-throwing garbage disposal. Set the world on fire, and have that Klaus Nomi-style arm band melted into your skin.

People undeserving of a nickname…..

The Fixture

This barstool barnacle gets louder, older, more out of touch, and uglier by the second. Usually at every single party or show, personal taste notwithstanding…there might not even be any. Feels as though he or she (occurs cross-gender) is in some sort of “i’ve-been-sitting-around-this-town-not-doing-shit-with-myself-longer-than-you” competition. Will absorb whatever agenda suits the immediate need, whether it be Rave, Rockabilly, Garage, Alt-Country, and will exhalt mainstream culture to be reactionary. Will not, however, backstep into punk or hardcore (will talk about days of yore, though) Suffers from public co-dependence, thus never, ever, stays home. Has been in 2,685 bands, and has 2,685 boring stories to show for it, but focuses hard on #1,782. Doesn’t own a TV, and will make sure that you know this. Nickname will be monosyllabic. Female version also identifiable by the more traditional “barfly.” Has tried to take you home at least once. Always eager to spin yarns about very, very serious drug addictions from the past.

The Aging Gutter Punk

Shares many characteristics with the above. This one usually goes by a real first name followed or preceded by an endearing identifier.

The Sports Superfan

At a Superbowl party some years back, I was introduced to a man that went by the name “Coach.” He was not a real coach…of anything.

An Underappreciated Horror Movie

Cujo (1983)

Should have been doing productive, forward-moving things with my life when I got sucked into this one…start to finish. One of my favorite King adaptations (The Dead Zone is top of the list), this one has nuances that you?d never see in contemporary horror. A good 35 minutes passes before the first kill, during which a marital affair culminates between Dee Wallace Stone’s character and the “town stud.” Only in the late 70’s/early-80’s would the “town stud” be a 38-year-old, bearded, nautically tattooed, floor-sleeping, handyman/tennis pro who lives in a ragged bungalow, walks around clad only in tight jeans, and drives a beat-up sports car. A lost film archetype. Today, this character exists largely inside the walls of the local halfway house. Also during the film’s slow build is the gradual unraveling of the dog, as Cujo increasingly reacts badly to loud noises and forceful petting. And now that decapitation is a big buzzword, points to Cujo for the prescient severing-by-way-of-dog-jaw kill sequence. And why does Dee Wallace’s character drive a broken down Pinto, while her husband tools around in a Jag E-Type? Cujo’s owner is played by Ed Lauter – the poor man’s Terry O’Quinn (The Stepfather, Pin), who in turn is the poor man’s Craig T. Nelson (“Coach”). Rarely do they work in three’s.

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