Pazz and Plop

Gawker locked in my eyeballs this afternoon when they book-ended placenta recipes with THIS and THIS.

In tribute to the ousting of two critics that I care little for (post-1990 at least), here is the transcript of my short prank phone call to Christgau circa 1996.


“Is this Robert Christgau?”

“Who is this?”

“Is this the same Robert Christgau that gave Firefall’s Elan a B- in 1978? This is Robert Christgau, right?”

“Yes, and this Robert Christgau is busy.”


Eddy, who’s longstanding reactionary crutch can be good for a wimpering guffaw, once accused this writer (on a message board…I forget which) of only enjoying “novelty music.” This came after I included certain entries in my Pazz and Jop ballot. See, ALIEN ALLTOPLESS is a FAKE band, not a NOVELTY band. In contrast, the fact checker was present this year, as my (on-time) ballot did not run. It looked like this:


1. FuckHaus
?I Am A Noise Duo?
Human Parvo
20 Points

2. TailWaters
?I Am An Illbient Duo?
(reissue of 1996 release on Ubik Records)
5 Points

3. Hey! Student!
?I Am A Jagged, Soft-Boiled Anarcho Post-Hardcore Band?
Vice Records
5 Points

4. Vivendo Cada Dia Mais Sujo e Agressivo
?I Am A Portuguese Death Metal Band, The Band Members Of Which Do Not Own Watches?
Shanty Grind Records
5 Points

5. Bearded Attacker
?I Am An Indie-Twee Pop Band?
My Thirties Will Be My Best Records
5 Points

6. Lubricate Your Alcove
?I Am An Angular Yesterday?s Post-Punk Today Band?
It?s About The Music Records
5 Points

7. Wood Sergeant
?I Am An Inoffensive Boogie Band?
Heard It On The X Records
5 Points

8. Mass Grave
?I Am The Un-killable East Coast Power Violence Crust Grind Band?
A Check, A 40, My Dog, A Ride To Portland, and Your Guilt Records
5 Points

9. Under The House
?I Am A Band Comprised Of Prolific Indie Rockers That Decided To Start Making Metal?
Saddle Creek Records
5 Points

10. Casual Sex
?I Am A Currently Obscure Dance-Oriented Outsider Band That Will Soon Blow Up All Over The Fucking Place?
P.O.S. Records
40 Points

Christgau and Eddy…….CHECK PLEASE!!!!!

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