Preparing for a new season

My Interchangeable Record Review Bank (no, you can’t have them)

(Insert artist name, record title, label and any other pertinent info here)
Stalwarts stray from the avant-tedious ditch they were digging (and you were loving), and move further into bubblegum land, turning out a record that I would pay money for. Used. Some of it really triggers the good stuff, melodically, and to their credit, they have a slithering trademark sound that garners them a much less depressing slot than any other band trying to do this stuff in the year (insert year).

(Insert artist name, record title, label and any other pertinent info here)
This is the good, logical rock made by people when they are finished with children?s music (you know it as ?hardcore?). People in their mid to late 20?s rarely choose to continue with the oxymoronic ?dignified hardcore? route, and I consider that one of life?s little nod?s to good judgement. Throngs of half-wits in their Gutter Garanimals, crammed into a closet, pretending to pay attention to someone barking a half-researched pop-quiz about travesties that conveniently occur thousands of miles away ? this will be laughed at by my children. This rock and roll band, led by a man who is/was a hero to thousands of people who share the common thread of smelling like an eight-day old Happy Meal, is a crafted breeze of wavy, whining, semi-urban-psych guitars tensing out in front of the requisite first-wave post-punk rhythm section??..and I can certainly deal with it. You can hear the care that went into this, and I don?t mean the kind that someone is trying to force down your throat.

(Insert artist name, record title, label and any other pertinent info here)
The mid-to-upper echelon is always trying to convince you that something ?unassuming? is ?really good.? These ?unassuming? artists of yore are at times so very precise in their awfulness. Little Feat is a good example.

(Insert artist name, record title, label and any other pertinent info here)
Next time, do not send the photo-enhanced one sheet. A release will not be reviewed if I am conscious of a member?s ponytail.

Rest of the Street Team

Basically, these didn’t make it into my Magnet column.

Stop All The World Now
OOOOhhh……we need a Bill O’Reilly/Ludacris/PMRC-style scandal involving stoned neo-hippies sucking on Whip-It’s and totaling their Subaru Outbacks. Oh, while listening to Howie Day, I mean.

Um, I’m sorry, did someone sleep through the past EIGHT YEARS OF IRONIC FACIAL HAIR AND IT’S ALL AROUND WIPED-OUT, UNIMAGINATIVE USE AS A POP-REFERENTIAL TOOL? Check in around 2006, when you’re called Inevitable Bald-Spot and are the number one seller at stoop sales across Brooklyn.

Scandinavian Leather
Your music is slowing down into pop-metal, making the schoolyard poor-man’s Mentor’s subject matter all the more embarrassing. You are (really) grown men, and I am not going to take an order from a (really) grown man to “wipe it ’til it bleeds.” The sado-sexual department of the store is sold out. What, you’re going to back a motorcycle up into my butt crack and then pop the clutch? …….snore…….

I like to know what a band sounds like after hearing them, not looking at them. Is it possible to over-stylize any merit out of the package? Yes. We need another one of these bands like we need more Arnold Sw impersonations.

Forged Prescriptions
This pony never even had one full trick. The single most overrated band on the cool-list. The revolution was sleeping on the couch and the critic-lemmings followed it right over the cliff. Drugs made a sizable chunk of my record collection, but posturing morons on drugs made The Spacemen 3 and their respectively over-blown solo careers.

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