The Earles Road Test 07/14/06



The 1995 Ford F-700 (in the form of a U-Haul rental)

This is a 1995 Ford F-700:

I recently sat shotgun as a 1995 Ford F-700 was ROAD TESTED from Washington DC all the way to Memphis, TN. This is my report.

Handling: Five-degree turns were good for the psychedelic hallucination that the entire vehicle was going to fall over. Now, this may have had something to do with the 10,000+ records, Fiat Spider, full 230-gallon fish tank, 18 encyclopedia sets, 671 car batteries, and half-conscious former member of Monsterland that constituted our cargo. Ten-degree turns laid a total mind fuck on our asses.

Ergonomics: A wise move towards the “less to break or short out” angle, yet all interior lighting did manage to short out, including the nighttime speedometer illumination. A fuse at the nearest store? Not on our dime. Aftermarket two speaker AM/FM stereo (no cassette or CD) of indeterminate brand provided decent vehicle for our satellite radio unit. Air conditioning worked, as was stated on side of truck.

Performance: Due either to a governor or the extreme cargo weight, truck rarely broke 60 MPH, and irritated other drivers in the process of attaining this feeble goal. Truck backfired when allowed to coast.

Exterior: A refreshing lack of dents or dings. Exterior paint job included several examples of the U-Haul logo, as well as the strange term “Mom’s Attic” across the area above the cab. “Mom’s Attic” soon became a well-worn, sexually charged insult between driver and passenger.

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